ARE YOU INVOLVED IN A SECRET RELATIONSHIP?

Are you involved in a Secret Relationship that is meeting one or more of your Six Human Needs?

Does it give you Certainty?  Does it give you Variety?  Do you feel Significant?  Does it meet your need for Love and Connection?  Are you Growing and Contributing because of this relationship?

We will very often compromise our Values to meet an unmet NEED.

The most important relationship we have on the planet is with ourselves.  Being honest with ourselves is vital in creating a life that we love and value.

We cannot blame anyone for how we feel, for our fears, our past, our issues, our limiting beliefs.  We cannot expect anyone to be the way we want them to be.  We can however, change our Attitude when a situation isn’t working for us.

If you are involved in a Secret Relationship with someone, ask yourself how it is serving you, and how is it not serving you.  Does it harm you?  Does it harm anyone around you?  What would happen if they found out?  Are you prepared to face the consequences of this happening?

There are choices and there are consequences, it’s the law of the Universe.  We’ve heard that  “What you sow, you will reap”, the principle of Cause and Effect and I really believe that there is no escaping it anywhere. Call it Karma, call it anything you wish,  I have personally experienced being on the receiving end of what I once upon a time gave out and made a firm promise to myself to only give what I would truly love to receive more of in my life.

Just close your eyes and for a few minutes imagine that if  tonight, as you were sleeping, a huge, wonderful life changing miracle occurred, and when you woke up tomorrow morning, your life would reflect this wonderful huge miracle.  Tell me, what would be happening in your life?  What would you be seeing, hearing, smelling and feeling around you?  Who would be in your life and what would you be doing?

What changes can you make right now to make your miracle life happen?  Take 3 things; write them down and TAKE ACTION TODAY.  Elephants are eaten bit by bit.  Relationships are healed little by little.  Awareness is the key to all change, and when we take RESPONSIBILITY for what is manifesting in our lives and stop BLAMING others, the first step is possible.

 

Wishing you success in creating successful relationships

Love

Shelley

Are you in an Imaginary Relationship?

Five months ago, my lovely client who for the sake of this blog I shall call Julie, got involved with a man she met on the internet.
Within a week she was experiencing the most passionate, consuming, fun relationship in years.  He was telling her how beautiful she was, how much she had changed his life, how he longed to become a father.

He was telling her everything she had been longing to hear.

I could hear her gasp when I asked her the following question:

“Julie, are you in an exclusive, committed relationship?”  Her answer to me was, “I’m not sure.”  Bear with me as I lay down some coaching etiquette before I continue with Julie’s story

As you know, I am a Relationship and Bereavement Coach, and I specialise in working with Divorced, Dumped and Bereaved Men and Women who are ready to embrace love again.

KNOW WHAT YOU WANT 

Before embarking on the Dating process, have a clear set of directions to follow in determining whether the person you are dating ticks the boxes of your top requirements.

You do this by determining what YOUR most important values are.  A partner must share your highest values.

DATE WITH AWARENESS

Dating with awareness means keeping the big picture in mind. You are  awareness of  yourself, others, the past, future and the present.  You are aware of your vision and constantly examine your options to make the best choices in alignment with that vision, all the while being mindful of the long-term consequences.

I also advise the clients I coach to set up a few dates.  By dating a number of people, you have a greater chance to identify the one most likely to meet your requirements and increase your chances at finding love again.  Although it is possible to meet your ideal partner on a first date, it doesn’t happen that often.

In order to determine that, you would be required to do quite a bit of ground work.  You would need to get to know them well.  You would need to understand what their long term and short term goals are, whether they want children, what their vision of a relationships is, whether they are ready for this type of commitment.

TEST FOR COMPATIBILITY

We make some of the biggest mistakes of our lives when we make decisions based on partial or false information.  Relationships need to be tested for compatibility.  I know we have all heard of stories where couples have met, fallen in love and 25 years later it’s still the same, but that’s very rare.  Statistics tell us that more than 55% of marriages end in divorce.

Believe me when I tell you that it is VERY UNLIKELY that you would be able to determine this within one week!  It is even more unlikely that you think logically within that one week if you enter into a sexual relationship with someone new.

This is where the expression “Love Is Blind” is often used.  Before you know it, and whole cocktail of hormones and chemicals have taken over your mind and body when you enter into that wonderful world of intimacy.  These hormones affect you and your decision-making ability in the early stages of falling in love.

Now, let’s get back to Julie. When she first came to see me, it was clear that she wanted a committed relationship with a man who shared the same values.  She wants to become a mother and is close approaching forty.  She is close to her wonderful extended family and they play a very important part in her life.  She also loves animals and would need to have a partner who shares that fondness for all small creatures that bark.

Julie jumped into a relationship with her internet man, without testing it for compatibility.  Within two weeks it became clear that he was a drug addict who had been clean for 7 months, only to relapse within 14 days of their meeting.  He was struggling to get his business off the ground.  He didn’t like her pet.  Five months later the relationship ended because he became involved with someone else.  He is a man clearly not wanting commitment.  A man with serious past issues and addicted to substances to mask his pain, a man who is certainly not ready to become a father.
Yes, it ended badly, but Julie is tenacious.  She has learnt a great lesson in how to get it right next time, and is back in the dating world applying the rules, working with as sense of self-worth and great patience in finding her ideal man.

If you want to meet your ideal partner, please test the relationship for compatibility first.  Make sure he or she ticks the boxes of your top requirements and above all, do not get intimately involved with a date unless you are certain they want to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with you.  Keep dating a variety of people to increase the likelihood of meeting “The One” and above all else, keep your sense of humour.

I wish you success in Creating Successful Relationships.

With Love
Shelley

WHEN IT ALL GOES WRONG ON THE FIRST DATE

It is really frustrating when two lovely people get together and it all goes wrong. I can’t be with you while it all unfolds, coaching you on what to say and what not to say or do. When a first date goes wrong, it is generally due to a simple mistake or oversight. Remember you are there to make a new friend; to get to know a man. Whether or not he is the perfect future life partner for you, I really believe that if he is an honourable person, it is up to you to leave him feeling great for having spent some time in your company.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

First impressions are vital and although I always encourage a woman to give a man a second chance, the opposite is not true for men. If he cannot connect with you he emotionally thinks that you are not for him and he will seldom give you a second chance. He will not be calling you for the second date unless he really enjoyed the first.

You have one chance to be your most authentic, relaxed, interesting lovely-self and if you match his energy, you can be sure he will call again for a second date. It’s about making the first date a real success. Very often the reason a man did not want a second date will surprise you. It’s about getting needs met and it has nothing to do with how beautiful, funny, engaging or successful you are. If you are on a date with a man who has a particular need that you are not able to fulfil because he may not be relationship-ready or he has insecurities, he is not going to ask you out on a second date. This is all about his issues and has nothing to do with you.

After working with many women who have been confused as to why they aren’t getting second dates, and conducting thousands of surveys on what men find most unacceptable on a date, I would love to share with you some of the deadly mistakes women make.

BECOMING THE ONE

The dating process is not so much about finding the one as it is about BECOMING THE ONE. It’s about taking responsibility for what you are doing, experiencing and attracting into your lives and if it is not what you want, you need to find another way of doing it. It is not about settling for any man and giving up on your values and needs. I have seen many times over how women will compromise their values to meet their needs.

Some women have become so desperate that they have settled for a man, instead of the man. The right man is not going to come along if you do not feel good about yourself.  Know what is important to you. Have a clear idea about what you most value and how you consistently want to feel and be treated in your ideal relationship.

Please download my free report on the homepage:  THE SIX BIGGEST DATING MISTAKES so you can avoid the common pitfalls.

Wishing you Success in Love

Shelley