SAFE ONLINE DATING

 

I had a session a new client this morning dealing with her feeling of rejection because the man she met online, and has been dating for six weeks disappeared. Disappeared without a trace.  Not contactable. Gone.

Sometimes in the online dating world people are not honourable or honest about what they feel –  they just disappear. You can look at it this way – They’ve done you a favour. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t open, honest or able to communicate how he or she feels.

The one thing I am certain of is this:
If you are needy and desperate to have a relationship you could be setting yourself up for disaster.

In my client’s case she jumped into this new relationship very quickly – without qualifying one very important detail. Did she know enough about him before getting involved?

The next time she meets someone, she will determine whether he is the kind of man who she wants in her future because she will check in with her values and verify he has the same values. She will make sure she feels safe with him and that she can trust him, and that it’s exclusive. SHE WILL TAKE HER TIME – and if he disappears because she isn’t sexually available from early on – GOOD!

Chemistry and Charm are no guarantee that you have a good relationship.  Make sure you know what you are looking for in a prospective partner. Have clearly defined boundaries about how you wish to be treated and how you would like to feel. Confirm that he or she matches the description.

Your ideal partner could be only one click away but its vital to know and be aware there are underhanded, crafty, dishonest and sometimes evil people in the dating world. They prey on the naive and vulnerable.

They are charming, persuasive, and attentive because their main objective is selfish gain. They will pursue you and convince you of their devotion.

I can recall countless stories and experiences of people   being stalked, experiencing financial loss, being emotionally threatened, sexually abused and even murdered. The key is to be discerning to stay safe.  Here are my top three tips for safe online dating:

Tip #1:  When responding to someone online, never give your personal information.  Not your work address, your home address or your surname.  Use a dating name for your profile until you have gotten to know the person well.  Under no circumstances should you disclose your financial information and NEVER give anyone you meet online money or invest in anything they may suggest.  If it sounds too good to be true it usually is.

Tip #2:  Go Slowly.  Never meet anyone you have not spoken to first.  Within a week of text messaging, set up a time to chat on the phone.  This will give you a clearer sense of whether it’s a reasonable match for a meet-up.  If someone is avoiding a voice-to-voice call, it’s a Red Flag.

While chatting, listen carefully for any inconsistencies in actions or behaviour.  When you do arrange a date, make sure a close friend or family member knows where, what time and the name of the person you are meeting.  Never let any new date fetch you or drop home.

Tip #3:  Listen to your gut.  When I question a new client who has experienced a relationship disaster as to whether they had any instinct early on that something was wrong, I nearly always hear the word YES.  Remember that dating is not a relationship.  Creating a relationship takes time.  It’s a good way to get to find someone with whom you are compatible.

Determine whether this person is consistent in their behaviours and that their answers make sense.  Pay attention to the red flags early on that someone may not be legitimate or honest.

Perhaps they want to know all about you but are vague or cagey about sharing details of their own life.  Do they become too attentive, start declaring their love for you, use terms of endearment like “Babe”, “Darling” or “Sweetheart” or within hours or a few days? Do they take a long time to respond to messages or are they only available at very specific hours or days?

Take your time. Stay SAFE, Physically Safe, Emotionally Safe, and Financially Safe.

Protecting yourself is a matter of common sense and the best way to ensure that your dating experience is fun and successful.

Wishing you love and magical kisses
Shelley x

 

NOTHING EVER GOES AWAY UNTIL IT TEACHES US WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW

The title to this blog is from Pema Chodron, the American Tibetan Buddhist and teacher.  I have experienced this to be so true – that nothing goes away until we get the lesson.  It just keeps showing up time and time again in our lives.

I work with clients who keep bumping into the same obstacles in relationships – from falling for emotionally unavailable partners, to continually getting involved in emotional rescue operations.

It leaves them feeling disempowered, empty and longing for love.

You cannot “Love” anyone better until you approach love from a state of fullness – and in such a state you will not be attracted to someone who is not physically or emotionally available. I know this because I’ve been there in past relationships.

It is then that you will have learnt the lesson the life always seems to place before you – the lesson of loving yourself enough to only seek and find a healthy love from an emotionally healthy individual because you are in that emotionally healthy place and the healthy boundaries are in place.

Wishing you magical kisses and great love

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LEAP YEAR PROPOSAL – SHOULD YOU DO IT?

February the 29th – the date that legend has it when a woman has the privilege of proposing to a man. This tradition and practice dates back about four centuries.   It continues in our day and once again – Leap Year is upon us.

Information available about the origins of Leap Year proposals points to St Bridget in the 5th century. She lodged a complaint to St Patrick because women had to wait far too long for men to propose to them. He then passed a decree allowing a woman to ask her loved one to marry her on only one day of the year, the 29th of February.

There are other stories about Queen Margaret of Scotland announcing that men would have to pay a fine, if they refused a marriage proposal. Other legends from Northern Europe state that the fine was 12 pairs of gloves and, in some countries, a silk gown.

While the thought of 12 pairs of cashmere-lined, bespoke, leather gloves sounds like a suitable fine in my world, fortunately none of the hundreds of men I have coached has had to reach deep into his pockets to do this.

I have huge admiration for these men having witnessed first-hand the amount of detail some of them have spent ensuring that their own proposals are beautifully co-ordinated – sometimes like a Swiss train schedule so it flows smoothly.

As yet I have not had any of the women I coach ask my advice on marriage proposals. However, because this is Leap Year, the big question ladies is – should you propose to your beloved? If so, what, when and how should you do it?

IS THE RELATIONSHIP WELL ESTABLISHED

Firstly to eliminate the risks of being rejected, – we want to establish that this is a relationship with a solid foundation and that it has the legs to go the distance.

You’ve been dating long enough to have experienced one another’s worst traits, met the families, socialised with friends, discussed the future and what you both want from it as individuals and TOGETHER.

As long as he (or she) loves you and is committed to a future with you and has no issues with marriage, he/she should say yes.

Before answering the question as to whether a woman should propose and when and how should she go about doing this, I decided to conduct a survey. I am thankful to the cross section of men from all professions and trades – including some clients, a couple of good male friends, and an ex-boyfriend – men who readily shared their opinions and answers to help out.

THE RESULTS ARE IN

Stephen was quite emphatic in his reply that he would never want the woman he loved to propose to him. He’s very much the Alpha male and said that it would make him feel like she was taking over. “Heck, I would feel completely emasculated!” he yelped.
This is not about right and wrong. It is important to consider this if your partner fits into the Alpha Male category, perhaps leave the proposal to him.

Neil loved the idea of the woman proposing. “To me, the setting is so important,” he told me. “I love the idea of either a dawn or dusk setting as long as it’s a surprise.” He said he wanted a rich-textured experience followed by a fun event that she knows he would love – a concert, favourite musician or dinner in a beautiful location to consolidate the moment.

Rory thought a jazz club after an intimate kiss would be the ideal time and place. “I love jazz and the romance of the setting. This, together with the heightened emotions from the music would be just perfect,” he told me.

Barry was quite taken back when I asked his opinion, as it had never crossed his mind before. After some thought he replied that the best time for the question to be asked was just as he turned the light off to go to sleep, to followed by a passionate encounter.

Michael was quite in favour of being proposed to by the woman of his dreams.

He said an everyday real-life situation like a supermarket queue would certainly surprise him.

Personally I would opt for a setting that would be emotionally memorable.

Mark is into adventure experiences. “I suggest she pop the question just after a bungee jump when the adrenaline is high,” he laughed.
The detail is in the planning. If you know your man well, you will also know what he likes to do, whether he is a morning or late evening person and what time of day would be best.

When a man is planning to propose to a woman he thinks about it for a long time and women need to appreciate this.

If you have been waiting for Leap Year to do this – you still have time to plan the event.

Think about what would please your beloved. Unexpected is the keyword – don’t tell all your girlfriends beforehand.

I love the moment when Emma from Radio 4’s The Archers proposed to her partner Ed.

Imagine the scene: The lights are turned on and Emma compliments Ed for being an amazing man and a wonderful Father. She says that he succeeds and that’s why she knows he will be an amazing husband too. Ed is completely surprised and says, “What?” Emma replies and says that he knows she loves him and then asks the question: “Will you make me the happiest woman in the world? Will you marry me?”

This scene captures all of the surprise and emotion. Ed ecstatically says YES, again and again and again. Click on the link below to listen to the special moment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWvmrtXDocw

DOING IT

You might consider heading to a beautiful place with a good view, or an adventurous setting like skydiving, snorkelling, while watching the sun rise over a wilderness, or on safari. A romantic city break you both love such as Prague, Florence or Rome?
If you are very active, a hike up a mountain or hill with a bottle of something amazing to celebrate at the end.
Having been on the receiving side of two marriage proposals in non-memorable settings, I really do suggest that thought and planning go into the detail. Sadly both times I felt somewhat cheated of the magic and excitement of what could have been a truly memorable event

Mark this occasion by arranging something memorable afterwards: dinner with a group of friends, or dinner for two in a favourite place to consolidate the love you feel and last but not least a ring to symbolically tie the knot.

IF HE SAYS NO

Remain calm. It’s not the end of the world. Take a few moments to feel grounded and breathe before you ask him what the reasons are. It could be too early for him in the relationship. He may have some underlying issues you don’t yet know about – perhaps relating to finance, work, or deeper feelings about commitment.

Whatever is discussed, it could be a great moment of illumination and you may be given clarity about whether he is the right partner for you. Perhaps you will ask yourself if it’s worth investing more energy in the relationship, and if it’s time to move on.

To quote Bono: “Marriage is like an act of Grand Madness – you jump off the top of Killarney Hill and discover that you actually can fly”.

Wishing you a lifetime of love and magical kisses

Love

Shelley

 

 

 

 

 

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WHEN TO END A RELATIONSHIP

A few days ago, Caroline contacted me on Facebook with a huge dilemma. She has been dating her boyfriend Max for six months and although they have an enjoyable time together, her gut feeling was that he isn’t “the one”. When she has suggested that they take a break, he always convinced her otherwise.

She enjoys the things they do together and there is great chemistry in their relationship, however there are a number of red flags for her; he reacts very jealously whenever she speaks to anther man., he consumes more alcohol than she is comfortable with and she doesn’t feel prioritised in his life.

Caroline was looking for more clarity about her feelings as she feared making a mistake, either by staying in a relationship that wasn’t beneficial for her or leaving a relationship that was possibly worth keeping.

CONSIDER THIS
The one thing I am certain of after being in relationships myself, dating and coaching the many who have passed through my practice, is that it is vital to always listen to your gut feeling. It’s generally when we don’t listen to our gut or intuition that we make the emotionally and financially costly decisions in a relationship.

Many women, for whatever the reasons, stay in a relationship that is not right. It could be fear of being alone, fear of the financial uncertainty or hanging onto a relationship because there is great chemistry and very little else.

A deeper and long lasting relationship needs much more than chemistry to sustain it. You need to share the same values. Compatible values determine sustainability in a relationship.
You need a deeper connection to be part of the firm foundation to take you into a future together. Connection means that you feel safe in your relationship, knowing you can trust your partner, a sense of belonging and finally you know your partner has your back and you have his back.

How you communicate, and work through issues is another one of the keys to relationship success.

As I stated earlier, listening to your intuition – that gut feeling, is probably your best compass in navigating the path of going into a future with someone, or not.

Here are my top reasons to terminate a relationship:

THREE REASONS TO END YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

1.

The challenges and obstacles you encounter far outweigh the fun. We want to experience fun in our relationships and if it’s hard work all the time we begin to dread being together. Dating a man in a new relationship shouldn’t be difficult. If it is, it’s time to end it.

2.

You have different values and want different things from life. If you are into wheatgrass and he’s into cocaine, you clearly have different values. If you are want different things in life, it’s time to end it.

3.

There is nothing to look forward to. The relationship is not growing and you are merely existing in a space but not sharing. Your partner is not open to getting help to work with you to grow the relationship or blames you for this – it’s time to end it.

BE BRAVE:

It takes courage to step out of a relationship that isn’t right into the uncertainty of being single. After clearing your space you will be ready to attract in the wonderful partner who will make your life sparkle
I encourage you to be brave and strong enough to walk away if you are experiencing the above three reasons and find the delight with another partner who is better suited to you.

When you love yourself more, you do not settle for less than you deserve.

If you enjoyed this blog, please feel free to share it.

Your partner in love
Shelley x

 

Are you in an Imaginary Relationship?

Five months ago, my lovely client who for the sake of this blog I shall call Julie, got involved with a man she met on the internet.
Within a week she was experiencing the most passionate, consuming, fun relationship in years.  He was telling her how beautiful she was, how much she had changed his life, how he longed to become a father.

He was telling her everything she had been longing to hear.

I could hear her gasp when I asked her the following question:

“Julie, are you in an exclusive, committed relationship?”  Her answer to me was, “I’m not sure.”  Bear with me as I lay down some coaching etiquette before I continue with Julie’s story

As you know, I am a Relationship and Bereavement Coach, and I specialise in working with Divorced, Dumped and Bereaved Men and Women who are ready to embrace love again.

KNOW WHAT YOU WANT 

Before embarking on the Dating process, have a clear set of directions to follow in determining whether the person you are dating ticks the boxes of your top requirements.

You do this by determining what YOUR most important values are.  A partner must share your highest values.

DATE WITH AWARENESS

Dating with awareness means keeping the big picture in mind. You are  awareness of  yourself, others, the past, future and the present.  You are aware of your vision and constantly examine your options to make the best choices in alignment with that vision, all the while being mindful of the long-term consequences.

I also advise the clients I coach to set up a few dates.  By dating a number of people, you have a greater chance to identify the one most likely to meet your requirements and increase your chances at finding love again.  Although it is possible to meet your ideal partner on a first date, it doesn’t happen that often.

In order to determine that, you would be required to do quite a bit of ground work.  You would need to get to know them well.  You would need to understand what their long term and short term goals are, whether they want children, what their vision of a relationships is, whether they are ready for this type of commitment.

TEST FOR COMPATIBILITY

We make some of the biggest mistakes of our lives when we make decisions based on partial or false information.  Relationships need to be tested for compatibility.  I know we have all heard of stories where couples have met, fallen in love and 25 years later it’s still the same, but that’s very rare.  Statistics tell us that more than 55% of marriages end in divorce.

Believe me when I tell you that it is VERY UNLIKELY that you would be able to determine this within one week!  It is even more unlikely that you think logically within that one week if you enter into a sexual relationship with someone new.

This is where the expression “Love Is Blind” is often used.  Before you know it, and whole cocktail of hormones and chemicals have taken over your mind and body when you enter into that wonderful world of intimacy.  These hormones affect you and your decision-making ability in the early stages of falling in love.

Now, let’s get back to Julie. When she first came to see me, it was clear that she wanted a committed relationship with a man who shared the same values.  She wants to become a mother and is close approaching forty.  She is close to her wonderful extended family and they play a very important part in her life.  She also loves animals and would need to have a partner who shares that fondness for all small creatures that bark.

Julie jumped into a relationship with her internet man, without testing it for compatibility.  Within two weeks it became clear that he was a drug addict who had been clean for 7 months, only to relapse within 14 days of their meeting.  He was struggling to get his business off the ground.  He didn’t like her pet.  Five months later the relationship ended because he became involved with someone else.  He is a man clearly not wanting commitment.  A man with serious past issues and addicted to substances to mask his pain, a man who is certainly not ready to become a father.
Yes, it ended badly, but Julie is tenacious.  She has learnt a great lesson in how to get it right next time, and is back in the dating world applying the rules, working with as sense of self-worth and great patience in finding her ideal man.

If you want to meet your ideal partner, please test the relationship for compatibility first.  Make sure he or she ticks the boxes of your top requirements and above all, do not get intimately involved with a date unless you are certain they want to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with you.  Keep dating a variety of people to increase the likelihood of meeting “The One” and above all else, keep your sense of humour.

I wish you success in Creating Successful Relationships.

With Love
Shelley

WHEN IT ALL GOES WRONG ON THE FIRST DATE

It is really frustrating when two lovely people get together and it all goes wrong. I can’t be with you while it all unfolds, coaching you on what to say and what not to say or do. When a first date goes wrong, it is generally due to a simple mistake or oversight. Remember you are there to make a new friend; to get to know a man. Whether or not he is the perfect future life partner for you, I really believe that if he is an honourable person, it is up to you to leave him feeling great for having spent some time in your company.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

First impressions are vital and although I always encourage a woman to give a man a second chance, the opposite is not true for men. If he cannot connect with you he emotionally thinks that you are not for him and he will seldom give you a second chance. He will not be calling you for the second date unless he really enjoyed the first.

You have one chance to be your most authentic, relaxed, interesting lovely-self and if you match his energy, you can be sure he will call again for a second date. It’s about making the first date a real success. Very often the reason a man did not want a second date will surprise you. It’s about getting needs met and it has nothing to do with how beautiful, funny, engaging or successful you are. If you are on a date with a man who has a particular need that you are not able to fulfil because he may not be relationship-ready or he has insecurities, he is not going to ask you out on a second date. This is all about his issues and has nothing to do with you.

After working with many women who have been confused as to why they aren’t getting second dates, and conducting thousands of surveys on what men find most unacceptable on a date, I would love to share with you some of the deadly mistakes women make.

BECOMING THE ONE

The dating process is not so much about finding the one as it is about BECOMING THE ONE. It’s about taking responsibility for what you are doing, experiencing and attracting into your lives and if it is not what you want, you need to find another way of doing it. It is not about settling for any man and giving up on your values and needs. I have seen many times over how women will compromise their values to meet their needs.

Some women have become so desperate that they have settled for a man, instead of the man. The right man is not going to come along if you do not feel good about yourself.  Know what is important to you. Have a clear idea about what you most value and how you consistently want to feel and be treated in your ideal relationship.

Please download my free report on the homepage:  THE SIX BIGGEST DATING MISTAKES so you can avoid the common pitfalls.

Wishing you Success in Love

Shelley