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SAFE ONLINE DATING

 

I had a session a new client this morning dealing with her feeling of rejection because the man she met online, and has been dating for six weeks disappeared. Disappeared without a trace.  Not contactable. Gone.

Sometimes in the online dating world people are not honourable or honest about what they feel –  they just disappear. You can look at it this way – They’ve done you a favour. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t open, honest or able to communicate how he or she feels.

The one thing I am certain of is this:
If you are needy and desperate to have a relationship you could be setting yourself up for disaster.

In my client’s case she jumped into this new relationship very quickly – without qualifying one very important detail. Did she know enough about him before getting involved?

The next time she meets someone, she will determine whether he is the kind of man who she wants in her future because she will check in with her values and verify he has the same values. She will make sure she feels safe with him and that she can trust him, and that it’s exclusive. SHE WILL TAKE HER TIME – and if he disappears because she isn’t sexually available from early on – GOOD!

Chemistry and Charm are no guarantee that you have a good relationship.  Make sure you know what you are looking for in a prospective partner. Have clearly defined boundaries about how you wish to be treated and how you would like to feel. Confirm that he or she matches the description.

Your ideal partner could be only one click away but its vital to know and be aware there are underhanded, crafty, dishonest and sometimes evil people in the dating world. They prey on the naive and vulnerable.

They are charming, persuasive, and attentive because their main objective is selfish gain. They will pursue you and convince you of their devotion.

I can recall countless stories and experiences of people   being stalked, experiencing financial loss, being emotionally threatened, sexually abused and even murdered. The key is to be discerning to stay safe.  Here are my top three tips for safe online dating:

Tip #1:  When responding to someone online, never give your personal information.  Not your work address, your home address or your surname.  Use a dating name for your profile until you have gotten to know the person well.  Under no circumstances should you disclose your financial information and NEVER give anyone you meet online money or invest in anything they may suggest.  If it sounds too good to be true it usually is.

Tip #2:  Go Slowly.  Never meet anyone you have not spoken to first.  Within a week of text messaging, set up a time to chat on the phone.  This will give you a clearer sense of whether it’s a reasonable match for a meet-up.  If someone is avoiding a voice-to-voice call, it’s a Red Flag.

While chatting, listen carefully for any inconsistencies in actions or behaviour.  When you do arrange a date, make sure a close friend or family member knows where, what time and the name of the person you are meeting.  Never let any new date fetch you or drop home.

Tip #3:  Listen to your gut.  When I question a new client who has experienced a relationship disaster as to whether they had any instinct early on that something was wrong, I nearly always hear the word YES.  Remember that dating is not a relationship.  Creating a relationship takes time.  It’s a good way to get to find someone with whom you are compatible.

Determine whether this person is consistent in their behaviours and that their answers make sense.  Pay attention to the red flags early on that someone may not be legitimate or honest.

Perhaps they want to know all about you but are vague or cagey about sharing details of their own life.  Do they become too attentive, start declaring their love for you, use terms of endearment like “Babe”, “Darling” or “Sweetheart” or within hours or a few days? Do they take a long time to respond to messages or are they only available at very specific hours or days?

Take your time. Stay SAFE, Physically Safe, Emotionally Safe, and Financially Safe.

Protecting yourself is a matter of common sense and the best way to ensure that your dating experience is fun and successful.

Wishing you love and magical kisses
Shelley x

 

NOTHING EVER GOES AWAY UNTIL IT TEACHES US WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW

The title to this blog is from Pema Chodron, the American Tibetan Buddhist and teacher.  I have experienced this to be so true – that nothing goes away until we get the lesson.  It just keeps showing up time and time again in our lives.

I work with clients who keep bumping into the same obstacles in relationships – from falling for emotionally unavailable partners, to continually getting involved in emotional rescue operations.

It leaves them feeling disempowered, empty and longing for love.

You cannot “Love” anyone better until you approach love from a state of fullness – and in such a state you will not be attracted to someone who is not physically or emotionally available. I know this because I’ve been there in past relationships.

It is then that you will have learnt the lesson the life always seems to place before you – the lesson of loving yourself enough to only seek and find a healthy love from an emotionally healthy individual because you are in that emotionally healthy place and the healthy boundaries are in place.

Wishing you magical kisses and great love

WHEN IT ALL GOES WRONG ON THE FIRST DATE

It is really frustrating when two lovely people get together and it all goes wrong. I can’t be with you while it all unfolds, coaching you on what to say and what not to say or do. When a first date goes wrong, it is generally due to a simple mistake or oversight. Remember you are there to make a new friend; to get to know a man. Whether or not he is the perfect future life partner for you, I really believe that if he is an honourable person, it is up to you to leave him feeling great for having spent some time in your company.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

First impressions are vital and although I always encourage a woman to give a man a second chance, the opposite is not true for men. If he cannot connect with you he emotionally thinks that you are not for him and he will seldom give you a second chance. He will not be calling you for the second date unless he really enjoyed the first.

You have one chance to be your most authentic, relaxed, interesting lovely-self and if you match his energy, you can be sure he will call again for a second date. It’s about making the first date a real success. Very often the reason a man did not want a second date will surprise you. It’s about getting needs met and it has nothing to do with how beautiful, funny, engaging or successful you are. If you are on a date with a man who has a particular need that you are not able to fulfil because he may not be relationship-ready or he has insecurities, he is not going to ask you out on a second date. This is all about his issues and has nothing to do with you.

After working with many women who have been confused as to why they aren’t getting second dates, and conducting thousands of surveys on what men find most unacceptable on a date, I would love to share with you some of the deadly mistakes women make.

BECOMING THE ONE

The dating process is not so much about finding the one as it is about BECOMING THE ONE. It’s about taking responsibility for what you are doing, experiencing and attracting into your lives and if it is not what you want, you need to find another way of doing it. It is not about settling for any man and giving up on your values and needs. I have seen many times over how women will compromise their values to meet their needs.

Some women have become so desperate that they have settled for a man, instead of the man. The right man is not going to come along if you do not feel good about yourself.  Know what is important to you. Have a clear idea about what you most value and how you consistently want to feel and be treated in your ideal relationship.

Please download my free report on the homepage:  THE SIX BIGGEST DATING MISTAKES so you can avoid the common pitfalls.

Wishing you Success in Love

Shelley